What
effect did Ebby's message have on you?
Answer
Well,
by this time I knew how hopeless my alcoholism was,
and yet I still rebelled - the idea of a dependency
on some intangible God who might not even be there.
Oh, if I could swallow it, but could I! I went on drinking
for a number of days and gradually I got jittery enough
to think about the hospital and then it came to me "Of
a sudden" one day - "Fool! - why should you question
how you're going to get well, why should beggars be
choosers? If you had a cancer and you were sure of it
and your physician said "This is so malignant that we
can't touch it with our art and even if your physician
came along with the improbable story that there were
many who got over cancer by standing on their head in
the public square crying 'Amen' and if he could really
make a case that it was so, yes Bill Wilson, if you
had cancer, you too would be out in the public square
ignominiously standing on your head and crying 'Amen'-
anything to stop the growth of those cells and that
would be the first priority, and your pride would have
to go."
And then I asked myself "Is my case different now? Have
I not an allergy of the body; have I not a cancer of
the emotions - yes, and maybe I have a cancer of the
soul which has resulted in an obsession which condemns
me to drink and an increasing tolerance of liquor which
condemns me to go mad or die. Yes, I'm going to try
this. And then there was one more flicker of obstinacy
when I said to myself, "But I don't want any of these
evangelical experiences, I mean it will have to be a
kind of intellectual religion that I'll get, so just
to be sure that I don't go into my emotional tizzy,
I believe I'll go up to see dear old Dr. Silkworth and
have him dry me out. (Memphis, Tenn., Sept. 18-20, 1947)
.
Another
Answer
What
then did happen at that kitchen table? Perhaps this
speculation were better left to medicine and religion.
I confess I do not know. Possibly conversion will never
be fully understood.
My friend's story had generated mixed emotions; I was
drawn and revolted by turns. My solitary drinking went
on, but I could not forget his visit. Several themes
coursed in my mind: First, that his evident state of
release was strangely and immensely convincing. Second,
that he had been pronounced hopeless by competent medicos.
Third, that those old-age precepts, when transmitted
by him, had struck me with great power. Fourth, I could
not, and would not, go along with any God concept. No
conversion nonsense for me. Thus did I ponder. Trying
to divert my thoughts, I found it no use. By cords of
understanding, suffering, and simple verity, another
alcoholic had bound me to him. I shall not break away.
(Amer J. Psychiat., Vol.106, 1949) .
Another
Answer
He
first told me his drinking experience, accent on its
more recent horrors, Of course his identification with
me was immediate, and as it proved, deep and vital indeed.
One alcoholic was talking with another as no one except
an alcoholic can. Then he offered me his naively simple
recovery formula. Not one syllable was new, but somehow
it affected me profoundly.
There he sat, recovered. An example of what he preached.
You will note that his only dogma was God, which for
my benefit he stretched into an accommodating phrase,
a Power greater than myself. That was his story. I could
take it or leave it. I need feel no obligation to him.
Indeed, he observed, I was doing him a favor by listening.
Besides it was obvious that he had something more than
ordinary "water wagon" sobriety. He looked and acted
"released"; repression had not been his answer. Such
was the impact of an alcoholic who really knew the score.
(N.Y. State J. Med., Vol.50, July 1950)
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