I Don't Feel As If I Belong Anymore
Copyright
© The A.A. Grapevine, Inc.,
September 2000
Some
time ago, I was shocked to hear a few old-timers say they didn't feel
as if they belonged to AA anymore. I was shocked mostly because I
felt the same way. I had to ask myself, whose responsibility is it
if I don't feel I belong?
Upon reflection,
I recalled that when I first joined AA in 1976, I didn't feel like
I "belonged" for a long time - not until I worked through
the Twelve Steps with a sponsor. To this day, that same sponsor still
works with newcomers and participates at the "entry level"
in the AA program.
When I
first came in, I was willing to go to any lengths for my sobriety.
How did I feel about that now, in my twenty-third year?
I realized
that maybe I wasn't as willing as I used to be. The thrill of early
sobriety was gone. Could it be recaptured? Was I willing to make myself
available? When asked, would I do anything requested from an AA member?
I soon
admitted that even though I still went to meetings and sponsored people,
my attitude had changed from the zeal of a newcomer to the complacency
that comes with not participating to the extent I needed to. I realized
that just because I was an old-timer of sorts, I was not giving at
the level I was capable of. I was participating on a qualified basis
at a level convenient for me. Maybe it was time to change my attitude
and become more open to the things I'd found so satisfying in my early
recovery.
With this
new attitude, I was soon blessed with several new people to work with.
I found much more enjoyment and enrichment at meetings. I began to
reread the AA books about our co-founders and the Traditions. I tried
my best to provide my experience, strength, and hope in those situations
I'd been leaving up to others. I tried to truly participate.
Now I feel
connected again and am enjoying AA every bit as much as I did as a
newcomer.
Chances
are every old-timer goes through this. When it happens, the best solution
is to seek humility and realize we are only one drink away from a
drunk, no matter how long we have been in the Fellowship. Numerous
old-timers have paid the price for complacency. If we feel out of
touch, let's take a personal inventory, not about what we are doing
or not doing, but about our attitudes, motives, and especially our
First Step. We are either alcoholics or we are not. If I am an alcoholic,
have I slipped out of recovery into complacency? Alcoholism is cunning,
baffling, and powerful. It can strike no matter how long we have been
in AA if we become spiritually unfit. And besides, the Fellowship
needs us. I often ask myself the question, Where did all the old-timers
go?
Bruce T.,
Highlands Ranch, Colorado
Copyright
© The A.A. Grapevine, Inc.,
September 2000
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